When the fear is taking over my life...

One thing that I really feel the change in myself during the past few years is I have more fear! Yes, you heard me correctly, I have more fear in my life. I remember the old days, when I feel no fear at all. I always think, I can get a new job whenever I want, I have all the power to make things happen the way I want. I believe in security, I believe that the joy in life will come endlessly and I can amend all my faults whatever it is then everything will be just fine. Those kind of confidence made me enjoy living my life so much. I have no fear to take any risks in life. Suddenly, it's like I woke up one day and felt like my world is not the same anymore. I feel fear of the future. I feel fear of the unknown later days. I feel unsecured in every aspects of my life. I don't know where this feeling is from but it's suddenly hit me overnight. I go to bed with the fear that I could lose everything I have when I wake up again. I start liking other peoples' lives more than mine. This is not someone who I imagine I would be at my 40s.

I can feel that I have less energy in living daily life. I no more have a strong drive for my future or to get better in what I do. This feeling is draining me inside out. I know that I will need to fix it but how? I wish I could take a long break from everything and really focus on thinking about what is good for me. I start feeling like I have to get acquaintance with the new me better before I can move on with my life. The one that I know well in my 20s and 30s is somehow has been changed completely and unfortunately, I have no idea how to deal with this one.

Am I lost in life? May be. Am I hostage myself with my own fear? May be. I wonder how I can survive if I am so weak. It's like I'm waiting to get caught that I am actually not as good as what people may think. Am I just lost of this is the new me? Can I stand seeing myself fell one day because of the weakness inside? How much time do I need to fix myself? I don't have answer for those questions now and I don't know when I will. If life is a journey, this would be one of the tough course in my life. I wish I could get through this someday somehow. Wish me luck, guys!

Capturing the love!

I planned to clean up my doll stock during last weekend. I did manage to get something done on Saturday but it was not as much as I expected. Anyway, I was enjoyed myself so much on Sunday. For sure, it's definitely not because of the clean up activity but it's because I spent most of my afternoon with a fun toy. I got an instant camera with internal printer as a gift long time ago but I have not had a chance to play with it. I started off with taking some shots of my cats and try the printer. It was fun even the quality was not so great. After wasting a few packs of expensive printing paper, the quality of the print starts showing. I then suddenly falling in love with it. I started taking portraits of my cool dolls and it turns out amazing. I could not be more happy with the result.

And before I know, I have these little photos with me all the time. I put them in a small folder and I keep looking at them all day. Surprisingly, how those little photos can bring joy to my day. I can't wait to do more over the next weekend.

Sometimes, it's important that you will need to learn what you can do to make yourself get through the day. Happiness is your own responsibility. You have to seek it for yourself. It would be foolish if you rely it on someone else. If you find yourself need a bit of cheer up during the day, find thing that helps. A cup of coffee... A quiet moment alone... A small thing that remind you of happy moment...

I found one for me... Capturing the love and carry those around with me....

How lovely they are!

And... now.. I carry around with me all the time!
 

Faith in Humanity

I came across a touching post online recently. The story was witnessed by the a waitress in Boston-area restaurant. There's a table of a young woman and the older one sit together. Suddenly, both of them were crying hard during the meal. The guy who sit next to them pass this note to the waiter.

Check out the full story at:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/16/stranger-overhears-diagnosis-pays-tab-_n_4109542.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000010

This consider as a very small thing that happened in just a few second here and there around this busy world. It may or may not be a true story but I believe this type of story help soften peoples' hearts. We all want to believe that there's somewhere in this cruel world that we can be touched by a caring souls of other human being. In order to show your compassion, you don't need to do big things, you don't need to be the biggest scarifying person in the whole wide world. You just show your caring to a small little things in your life. You don't need to leave your comfortable life to do volunteer work in Africa to show that you care. You just give whatever you have to people who need those things more than you when you can. Offering seats on public transport is also considered as the act of kindness.

Being a good-hearted person is something that would not be on the top of the list when people think about their new year resolutions, unlike being rich or being thin. Anyway, all we can do is keeping the faith in humanity and keep doing good things to other. I believe the world would be the better place if we all leave a little of selfishness behind.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Enjoy

No matter where I have been... I'm back again!

Time flies! It has been a long while since my last post! Finally, I made myself come back to this blog again. Not that I have many fans who keep following my blog. Not that there's anyone would miss my story. I just feel like I want to write again as it would be the only way to allow me to find my own self again!

As years pass, my life seems getting better. I have some advancement in my career, get better pay, have better lifestyle. But at some point inside of me, I feel like I'm more and more disconnected to my true self. I am not proud of myself as I used to feel. I feel so empty when I'm alone. Sometimes, I have no idea what I want to do next. It's getting more serious as time pass. I have to fix it somehow.

I would need to spend a few couple posts to learn what really happen to me. I don't know how to begin but I will try my best. If there's anyone is reading or just passing by my blog, please feel free t share your thoughts.