One thing that I really feel the change in myself during the past few years is I have more fear! Yes, you heard me correctly, I have more fear in my life. I remember the old days, when I feel no fear at all. I always think, I can get a new job whenever I want, I have all the power to make things happen the way I want. I believe in security, I believe that the joy in life will come endlessly and I can amend all my faults whatever it is then everything will be just fine. Those kind of confidence made me enjoy living my life so much. I have no fear to take any risks in life. Suddenly, it's like I woke up one day and felt like my world is not the same anymore. I feel fear of the future. I feel fear of the unknown later days. I feel unsecured in every aspects of my life. I don't know where this feeling is from but it's suddenly hit me overnight. I go to bed with the fear that I could lose everything I have when I wake up again. I start liking other peoples' lives more than mine. This is not someone who I imagine I would be at my 40s.
I can feel that I have less energy in living daily life. I no more have a strong drive for my future or to get better in what I do. This feeling is draining me inside out. I know that I will need to fix it but how? I wish I could take a long break from everything and really focus on thinking about what is good for me. I start feeling like I have to get acquaintance with the new me better before I can move on with my life. The one that I know well in my 20s and 30s is somehow has been changed completely and unfortunately, I have no idea how to deal with this one.
Am I lost in life? May be. Am I hostage myself with my own fear? May be. I wonder how I can survive if I am so weak. It's like I'm waiting to get caught that I am actually not as good as what people may think. Am I just lost of this is the new me? Can I stand seeing myself fell one day because of the weakness inside? How much time do I need to fix myself? I don't have answer for those questions now and I don't know when I will. If life is a journey, this would be one of the tough course in my life. I wish I could get through this someday somehow. Wish me luck, guys!
