I am the captain of my soul!

I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.
~ William Ernest Henley (Invictus)

First of, I have to say, this is not a sad post.

Like other typical of my lazy Sunday night, I felt like I don't want to do anything, just lay down in front of TV with the remote control in my hand. Hours in front of TV and flipping through various channels seems to be the best way for me to kill time. I stopped at a Hallmark, which aired Oprah's show. The topic was not too interesting, just about somebody who lives her celebrity life. I didn't get much out of it except a moment that they mentioned about the phase above. It's touched me deeply, especially at the time I feel like I'm lost in nowhere. I'm in the moment that I don't know where I'm going to take my life to. It's totally different feeling, compares to how I feel ten years ago. Then, I could hardly wait for the the next day to come. Everyday has its own meaning. But what I have today? I just wake up at the time I should wake up, for no specific purpose. Do what I'm supposed to do to keep my routine runs. I do whatever I should to keep my job, so I will get my salary at the same time every month. And, for sure, so I can have enough money to pay bills, mortgage same time every month. Sometimes I wonder if it's what life is supposed to be. If it is, why should we be here at the first place. Are we here just to wait until our last day? Years of questioning, yet answer is found.

Back to the quote.. Like I said, it's touched. It's touched, not because I believe it's true. It's touched because I want to believe that it's true. Do you really believe that you are the master of your fate? In such this controversial economy? For sure, I believe I'm still the captain of soul but how much can I do when this soul is so weak. I think 10 years back, when my soul is fresh, if I hear this quote then, I would feel as if I can fly. World is so beautiful when your heart is full of hope. Now the same world is not the same to me anymore. Even I'm having the life that I was dreaming of when I was young. I have a job that I dreamed about. I have enough money to afford having my own house. I have convenience in life. But the strange is.. I feel even more struggle with my life.

I still do have dreams. It's just far more simpler than what I had when I first entered the real world. My perfect day is days that I'm free from social rules... The day that I don't have to go out for work. My job is fine. No one abuses me at the office, good pay at reasonalble hours required. But what makes me feel like I want to get out of it because it makes me feel like I loose my freedom somehow. I have to go to the office at certain hours on weekdays, same time in and same time out. I dream about days that I can do road trips to many places, stop whereever I want and on any day I want... I dream about days that I spend at home without the need to be under social obligations. That's the meaning of being master of my life...

Before I write this post, I googled for the quote. I found a very interesting post at http://justintadlock.com/archives/2007/03/23/the-captain-of-my-soul, which wrote by a fresh grats few years ago. Justin, the writer, mentioned about how he reacts with the transition in his life. He seems to struggle with finding answer for the meaning of life. I think he wrote it well especial when he said;

However, I do think some of this laziness stems from worry about the future. It’s like the world is finally letting go, saying, “I’m not holding your hand anymore, now spread your wings and fly…”

I wish after a few years has passed, he is now back on track. There're a lot of exciting things in life are waiting for a young like him. I don't know if I should wish for a day I will finally find a new challenge for myself. A day that I will find things that will help me feel the energy inside me again, things that will make me can't wait for the next day.  OR, should I wish to see myself admit and feel contented with my post-excitement phase of life. Sooner or later, I will surely have an answer for myself.

See, this is not a sad post at all.